


For Those Who Think It Still Exists

by ramonaspeaks



Series: For Those Who Think It Still Exists [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Drunkenness, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-09
Updated: 2014-11-09
Packaged: 2018-02-24 17:38:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2590367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ramonaspeaks/pseuds/ramonaspeaks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil wants to ask Dan if something has changed. He wants to ask if Dan still loves him. He wants to ask a lot of things but he swallows the questions back because for the first time, he's not sure how Dan would answer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	For Those Who Think It Still Exists

There was a time when Dan was in love with me. There was a time, in the not so distant past, when I would have put myself up against any other person in the world and known that he would choose me.  
  
Even now, when everything feels unstable, I am certain of that much. And that certainty has been enough to get me through several uncertain nights.  
  
We’d arrived in New York an hour ago and had gotten to my hotel room less than five minutes ago, but I can tell that Dan is already thinking about leaving from the way he keeps his hand on his suitcase and rolls it back and forth across the small space of carpet in front of him.  
  
“You could stay for a while.” I try to keep my voice light. “It’s not late.”  
  
Dan shakes his head. “Time changes mess us both up and we have to start early tomorrow.”  
  
I nod and sit on the edge of the bed. Dan takes my hands in his and looks down at me, a smile playing at the corner of his mouth, as if he finds my disappointment endearing. Or maybe just amusing. He leans down to kiss me but it feels distinctly like a goodbye, not a kiss that invites more.  
  
My hands reach around his waist. “Remind me again why we’re sleeping in different rooms tonight.”  
  
“Phil, we’re here for _work_.” Dan sighs and steps away. I don’t resist when he pulls out of my arms. “Someone could call the room and I wouldn’t be there. You’re the one who warned me about our phones not working properly out of the country. Remember when you lost your parents in Florida?”  
  
“Is someone going to call your room in the middle of the night?”  
  
“It’s only for five days. They paid for the hotel rooms, so we should just use them.”  
  
“You used to say that one night without me was torture. I’m not sure what…” I force myself to stop speaking and look at the floor.  
  
“Not sure what?” Dan asks. I can tell he is getting annoyed.  
  
 _What changed?_ I think.  
  
“Nothing. You’re right. I just hate sleeping alone.” I push the hair out of my face in an attempt to appear casual. “I should have brought Totoro.”  
  
“Oh, nice to know how easily I can be replaced, you goon.” Dan laughs and grabs the handle of his suitcase.  
  
He says good night. He tells me that he loves me. He checks to make sure I have the extra key to his room, just in case. He’ll see me in the morning. It just feels empty somehow when I flop on my bed to try to sleep and know that he’s lying in an empty bed of his own when he could be with me.  
  
My phone lights up with a text message from Dan just as I get under the covers.  
  
 _ily <3 goodnight_  
  
I turn the lights off and don’t bother to respond. Phones don’t always work properly out of the country anyway.  
  
——  
  
Dan looks comical in the tiny green chair that sits outside the park at Herald Square. I laugh as I walk towards him, carrying coffees and bagels from a nearby street cart.  
  
“We look like giants at a kid’s tea party.” I sit down opposite of him. “Who designed these tables?”  
  
“I like it here.” Dan sips his coffee. “Oh, god. Thank you. So tired.”  
  
Dan rubs his eyes and gulps more of his coffee. We have an hour to ourselves before we have to meet our producer at the studio and I know that he would rather be sleeping. He’s here because he knows that I love the city in the morning, the way you can sink inside of the busy atmosphere and be a part of something and completely invisible at the same time.  
  
 _He’s here because he wants to make me happy._ I let the thought circle around in my head for a moment.  
  
“I like it here too. It feels like we’re not ourselves when we’re here,” I say. “Know what I mean?”  
  
“I never feel like myself before nine. I don’t understand morning people.” Dan looks around at the crowds surrounding the streets, as if they’re all exotic creatures on display at a zoo. “How could anyone want to _go shopping at Macy’s_ right now?”  
  
I laugh at his exasperated expression. It’s as if the tourists all decided to come here with the specific goal of rubbing their energy in his face.  
  
I’m about to take the first bite of my bagel but it looks so perfect on the stereotypical wax paper that I take out my phone to snap a picture first.  
  
“Tweeting your breakfast?” Dan deadpans, but his eyes sparkle like he wants to laugh. “Don’t lie.”  
  
“The world needs to see this.”  
  
Dan takes out his own phone. “Maybe the world needs to see Horace Greeley.”  
  
“What?” I ask.  
  
He points to the bronze statue looming above our heads. Horace sits in a chair and looks out as if in somber contemplation over the changes that have occurred on these streets since his time.  
  
I start to giggle. “Someone left a coffee cup on top of his head. It really takes away from the serious expression.”  
  
“Did they?” Dan looks back and bursts into laugher. “How? How would someone even get it up there? Oh, god. Definitely tweeting this now. _Having a lovely morning coffee with Horace and Phil._ That’s brilliant.”  
  
“Do you think they came in the middle of the night with a ladder?” I ask and Dan chokes on a sip of coffee. “People warned us that crime was a problem here.”  
  
It’s not even that funny but for some reason we can’t stop laughing. Every time we’re about to stop, we look back up at the coffee balanced perfectly on the top of the statue and break down again. A few people turn to look at us and I’m not sure if they’re annoyed or amused because I can’t tear my eyes away from the way Dan’s mouth falls open and his eyes squint shut when he’s genuinely happy.  
  
“I was wrong before,” I say as I begin to fight off the fit of giggles. “I think maybe I feel more like myself than I have in a while.”  
  
Dan smiles at me and I can’t stop myself from placing my hand on top of his. It’s nice. Everything feels so natural and I start to wonder if all of the anxiety I’ve been having over the past few months has been in my head.  
  
I start to entwine my fingers between his but suddenly see a guarded expression cross his face and feel his hand pull out from under mine.  
  
“Hi, um, I’m sorry. Are you Dan? And Phil? I love your videos.”  
  
I turn my head to greet the timid voice behind me. Dan is already standing, a huge smile plastered across his face that looks disturbingly different from the one I saw only moments ago.  
  
And just like that, I’ve lost myself again.  
  
——  
  
It’s 2:00 in the morning of our third night in New York when I find myself stumbling into the elevator, heading down eleven floors and back to my hotel room. After an incredibly long day that had exhausted us both, Dan had found the energy to pull me into his room with him, biting his lip as he fumbled with his key card. We practically fell through the door together when the light had finally flashed green and then he had me pressed against the wall, his hands unzipping and unbuttoning as fast as he could.  
  
I stare at the elevator lights ticking down from his floor to mine.  
  
Afterwards, as he had started to fall asleep, I had gotten dressed again and told him I was going back to my room. He mumbled a good night, his face both sleepy and lit up from the afterglow. He didn’t ask me to stay.  
  
The elevator door dings and I step out into the hallway.  
  
——  
  
“Of all the places to get drunk in New York, you _would_ pick the Lambs Club at Times Square.” Dan keeps an arm wrapped around me as he guides me down the busy street back to the hotel. “Fucking hell.”  
  
“Why did you let me drink so much?” I stare down at my feet and hold out an arm in front of me, as if I’m already preparing to catch myself when I inevitably fall.  
  
“I’m not your mum, Phil.”  
  
Dan sounds annoyed with me again. It’s weird being drunk when Dan is sober. I try to think of another time when that has happened and come up blank.  
  
It’s our last night in New York. We had gone out to dinner to celebrate our job being done and I somehow ended up on my third cocktail before appetizers had arrived.  
  
“They tasted good though.” I say out of nowhere. “It was so cinnamon-y. What were those drinks called again?”  
  
“North of Easy. And each one cost you $16, so let’s hope your next video is a success.”  
  
“Is that where _we_ are? North of easy?” I watch my hand float in front of me. “If we’re not in easy anymore, maybe we’re north of it.”  
  
Dan stops walking and holds me up in front of him. I blink at him and he stares at my face as if he’s trying to make a decision. I can’t tell how long it takes but he finally sighs and turns away to hail a taxi for us. On the drive back to the hotel, I press my face against the cool window and look out at the lights as they streak and blur. Dan keeps a hand pressed against my shoulder the whole time but we don’t speak.  
  
——  
  
I wake up to his hand on my back.  
  
I’m in bed, lying on my stomach and undressed down to my boxers, but I can’t remember actually getting back to the hotel last night. I can feel Dan’s fingers stroking small circles onto my skin.  
  
“Hi.” I lift my head and wince as my headache begins to pound harder. “You stayed?”  
  
Dan pulls his hand away and crosses his arms. He’s sitting up against the headboard and looks alert, which means that he’s been awake for a while now. I wonder what time it is. We’d be flying home soon.  
  
“Of course. I was worried about you. Besides, we were done with everything. I was going to stay anyway.” Dan’s words sound brittle, like an accusation.  
  
“Sorry.”  
  
I slip out of bed and make my way to the bathroom. I need to pee. I need to shower. I need to drink water and take aspirin and not have this conversation with Dan right now.  
  
As the hot water hits against the sore muscles of my back, I listen for the door shutting as Dan lets himself out. I only hear the faint sound of music playing.  
  
——  
  
“Took you long enough.” Dan shuts his laptop and looks up at me as I finally exit the bathroom.  
  
“I’m starting to feel human again.” That’s a lie. My headache is gone but I’m far from human. “What were you listening to?”  
  
“LCD Soundsystem.” Dan begins to hum the tune and the lyrics come back to me. _New York, I love you, but you’re bringing me down._ “Seemed appropriate.”  
  
“When do we leave for the airport?” The clock says that it’s noon so we can’t have much time left.  
  
“Tomorrow.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“I didn’t know if you’d be okay to fly today. I rearranged our flights so we leave tomorrow morning. I reserved this room for one more night. I’ve already checked out of mine.” Dan nods toward the floor where his suitcase is sitting.  
  
I stand in the middle of the room and look bewildered. “You did all of that while I was sleeping?”  
  
“Yes, Phil.” Dan rolls his eyes. “It might shock you but I’m actually capable of making a hotel reservation without your help.”  
  
“No, I just… why did you do that?”  
  
Dan lifts his hands up like the answer is obvious. Then he shifts his laptop to the table by the bed and pats the spot beside him. I immediately move to fill it, sitting with my back against the headboard and our shoulders touching. Dan leans his head so that it rests on mine but we both stare straight ahead instead of looking at each other.  
  
“Phil, what’s going on? I’ve never seen you like that before.”  
  
“You’ve seen me drunk.”  
  
“Do you remember getting back to the hotel?”  
  
I shake my head slowly. “Not really. I remember being in the taxi.”  
  
“You cried for over an hour. You were hysterical and I couldn’t get you to talk to me. You just kept crying.” Dan says the words calmly, as if he’s telling me the weather for today, but I can see his lips tremble. “Is there something going on that I don’t know about?”  
  
I shake my head again. “No. I’m not hiding some big secret. Things just feel different.”  
  
“What feels different?”  
  
“Everything. You. Me.”  
  
Dan places his arm over my shoulder, pulling me onto his chest. I press my face against his shirt and curl up into him, wrapping around the contours of his body.  
  
“When you were crying last night, it was because of me?” Dan asks the question like it had never entered his mind.  
  
“I don’t know. I can’t even remember last night.” I evade his question and then decide to ask one that has been on my mind for months. “Do you still love me the way that you used to?”  
  
“Yes.” Dan’s answer is so immediate that I try to pull away to look at his face, but he keeps his arms wrapped around me so that I’m pressed against him. “If that’s what upset you, then you wasted a lot of money on cinnamon Calvados for no reason. A lot of things may have changed over the past few years but I still love you as much as I always have. If anything, more.”  
  
“I love you too,” I say and Dan kisses the top of my head. “But then why… I may hate myself later for asking this, but what changed?”  
  
“A million things?” Dan laughs. “Everything else in my life? I’m not spending entire weeks counting down the days until I get to see you anymore. I don’t have to miss you constantly anymore. I also don’t get to kiss you in public as soon as I get off the train anymore. Phil, if things feel different then it’s because they are.”  
  
I use more force to pull away from Dan this time. If we’re going to talk about this, then I want to be able to see his face.  
  
“Sometimes I miss those days,” I admit.  
  
“Me too.” Dan leans forward and kisses softly against my lips. “But being with you every day is worth it. That’s all I want. I like that there’s something that’s just mine, not shared with the rest of the world, not on display to be examined or criticized. I miss those days sometimes but I wouldn’t trade.”  
  
“I wouldn’t either.” I realize that it’s true as I say the words. I don’t mind the changes, not if Dan still loves me. I reach my arms around his neck and kiss him again, feeling like a weight has been lifted. “So if we have another day here, what should we do? Should we check on Horace?”  
  
“No,” Dan laughs as he pushes me down onto the bed and climbs on top of me. “I’m sure Horace is fine. Let’s stay here for now.”  
  
And just like that, in a hotel bed nestled in the middle of Manhattan, both a part of something bigger and completely invisible to the surrounding crowds, with Dan’s lips pressing against my neck, I find myself again.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written in response to an anonymous prompt on tumblr.


End file.
